Blood Sex Magic

With Jersey Shore doing its best to strangle the life out of Italian dignity, Starz's new swords-and-mandals melodrama Spartacus: Blood and Sand (premieres Friday) arrives just in time to topple Snooki's tyranny and remind us that the Roman Empire was once a place of honor and valor. 

 

When the Romans betray him, Spartacus (Aussie hunk Andy Whitfield) spears one of their generals and must fight for his life against sweaty, loin-clothed gladiators in brutally violent deathmatches that leave the camera lens dripping in blood — all in the hopes of being reunited with his now-enslaved wife. 

 

All this could have been an epically self-serious slog, but, like Rome, this raunched-up take on the Kirk Douglas classic reminds us that old-world Italians were as debaucherous — and abs-obsessed — as their Jersey progeny. Xena's Lucy Lawless is in delicious Lady MacBeth mode and scores of statuesque boys and girls faux-nicate in every imaginable permutation. Spartacus manages to be equal parts courage and Caligula. Bow down, Guidos.

 

 

Spartacus: Blood and Sand premieres Friday January 22 at 10 PM on Starz.